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14th October 2003 Guns N Roses Release Chinese Democracy. Another sick Joke

Confusion struck the music world earlier today when Sanctuary Records issued a press release announcing its exclusive deal to re-issue Chinese Democracy , the long-overdue Guns n' Roses album that has yet to be released. Though Chinese Democracy's release is now expected to occur in early 2004, Sanctuary stands firm in its insistence to release the re-issue next week – several months before the original issue will even be available in stores.


"Here at Sanctuary Records, we pride ourselves on our unmatched ability to walk the razor's edge of the coattail-riding industry," explained Marketing Executive/Intern Punjab Mustafa-Sayen . "And we're not waiting for Axl . In keeping with the tradition upon which our label was founded, we're re-releasing Chinese Democracy before it even hits stores, which also allows us to show the 'peeps' that we're modern. Or, I should say, 'down with that.' You know what I'm saying, 'dogg'?"


Providing safe haven for former major label acts like Anthrax , Megadeth , Ween , Ministry , Deep Purple , Kiss , W.A.S.P. and Living Colour , Sanctuary owes the majority of its success to eleventh-hour career resurrections and album re-issues. While most of Sanctuary's material comes from cult staples, the recent re-issue of Kelly Osbourne 's Shut Up – the Ozzy offspring's 2002 debut album that moved a scant 160,000 units – is an attempt at one of two things, according to industry analysts. One, it's an attempt to modernize and update the label's image, or two, it's just nothing more than an extremely miscalculated retardation that, in both the long and short run, makes absolutely no sense to anyone. Analysts also lean towards the belief that the latter form of reasoning – which Sanctuary allegedly refers to behind closed doors as its "marketing plan" – led the company to re-issue Chinese Democracy before the official release date.


"Look, if we don't re-release Chinese Democracy , and if we don't do it now, someone else will," elaborates Mustafa-Sayen. "And if we don't stay on the cutting edge and remain one step ahead of the music biz, who will? We've been beaten to the punch too many times by other labels. Sure, maybe Sanctuary didn't exist when Anthrax released Among the Living or when – oh, what are they called, those 'Fuck Like A Beast' dipshits – well, whenever those guys were good, you know, we wanted them. Seriously, it's about time that someone gave Kelly Osbourne a second chance at superstardom. Music trends have come full circle since her album came out, right? I mean... 'Y'all hear me?'"


Guns n' Roses frontman Axl Rose was unable to comment on the Chinese Democracy pre-re-issue on account of his failure to just stop being a complete pussy for five fucking seconds, according to spokespeople in the Guns n' Roses camp. So, in keeping with the label's philosophy, representatives at Sanctuary Records opted instead to re-release a press statement that Rose originally made in 1987:


"Finally, after several months' years' worth of blood, sweat and tears Zimas and non-stop occasional performances in Hollywood my living room , I'm proud to announce that Appetite for Destruction Chinese Democracy will finally again see the light of day. I haven't felt this great since Slash Buckethead gave me a new pair of leather pants for my birthday just stood there and didn't say shit. "


Sanctuary's Chinese Democracy reissue will reportedly be issued with a “bonus live DVD” and a wiffle bat. When the DVD is played, an empty stage is shown for ninety minutes, to the accompaniment of a mix of tunes from DJ Money Mark . The bat, Mustafa-Sayen explains, allows home viewers to stage their own riots, right in their living room, complete with simulated violence and police beatdowns. “We wanted to provide fans with a 'you-are-there' experience, and frankly, showing the actual band playing wouldn't be what most people saw when they were there. Or something like that.”


Sanctuary Records is currently in negotiations with Tupac , Elvis , Robert Palmer , and Bad News .


- Erik Fong

 

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